Archive for the ‘Ask Dr. Yosef’ Category

Share |

Ask Dr. Yosef – Yitro

Saturday, February 4th, 2012

Question:

I am a mother of six young children, the oldest being 12.  My problem is that I simply cannot stand the noise in the house. The kids always seem to be yelling or fighting or crying.  I can’t wait for them to go to sleep at night and I can have some quiet.  It’s not so much the fighting or the running around which bothers me.  It is simply the noise.  I feel like as I get older (I am 35) I am more and more sensitive to noise.  It just grates on me.  Is this normal?  And is there anything I can do to not be so sensitive to the noise?

 

Dr. Yosef replies: 

Let me say first that I have no special expertise in regard to how the auditory system works.  I can imagine that some people may be more acutely sensitive to sound than others; their hearing is sharper and hence what may be average volume to one person may be overly loud to them.  In any case, as to the problem you raise I will offer a few suggestions that I know have worked for some folks who were troubled by noise.  Probably the easiest thing to do is to use ear plugs; this will block out most of the noise.  Another possibility is to take a periodic break by locking yourself into the bathroom or bedroom.  Also, try to work with the children to have “time outs” – quiet times when noise is discouraged and reading, or other hobbies are encouraged.  Of course, some kind of reasonable reward programs may be used.  Try to recognize that some of your irritation with noise may be related to the messages you tell yourself – e.g. I can’t stand it, they shouldn’t be making so much noise, etc.  There is sometimes a secondary gain from being in a chaotic situation – for example:  I can’t fix meals or maintain the house the way I would like to because of all the noise.

Finally, recall the advice of the Rabbi to his congregant who complained about the house being too crowded:  invite three or four more kids to your house for a week or so and then send them home.  When they leave it will feel like Gan Eden.  In fact, if you call me I can recommend a family where the mother is going to be away and the father could certainly use a break.  Good luck.

Dr. Yosef Halbfinger – Personal, Marriage (Sholom Bayis) & Family Issues–English, Hebrew, Yiddish– Halachic Advisor:  HaRav Chaim Sholom Deitsch, shlita. (02) 627-1534; (0547)-651288, 38 Misgavladach, Old City, JM.


Posted in Ask Dr. Yosef, Yitro #334 | No Comments »

Ask Dr. Yosef – Beshalach

Saturday, January 28th, 2012

I know this problem is going to sound cliché but what can I do.  I really like to sleep with the window open.  I need the fresh air.  I can’t stand when the room is stuffy.  However, my wife wants it closed in that she says she is cold.  I have tried it her way but I really don’t like it.  I’ve asked her if she will just use a bigger blanket but she says, why should she have to sleep with a huge heavy blanket when it is not even winter!  She claims I am not being the least bit flexible.  What do you think we should do?

 

Dr. Yosef replies: 

 

This question is not as simple as it appears.  There is really a deeper, more profound issue which strikes to the heart of the husband – wife relationship.

 

Marriage, from a Torah viewpoint, unites a man and a woman and gives them an overriding purpose – to establish a home; to be an “eternal edifice” in order to serve G-d. Personal growth is maximally possible only through the marital relationship. Here, both husband and wife must learn to overcome their selfish interests and care for each other and for the children they will, with G-d’s help and blessing, bring into the world. If they recognize their common goal, which is to serve G-d, then uppermost in each spouse will be the desire for the betterment of the partner. Each one will worry about the other; is he/she comfortable, secure, well, etc. In essence, they will express true unity.

 

Do all newlyweds start off their married lives thinking this way? I doubt it. It takes study and sincere effort to understand and put into practice what Torah expects of a husband and wife. When couples begin to reach such a level, true happiness results and the kind of question you raised simply disappears.

 

P.S. thanks to Rav Chaim Sholom Deitsch and the members of the Friday Tanya Shiur for their input.

 

Dr. Yosef Halbfinger – Personal, Marriage (Sholom Bayis) & Family Issues–English, Hebrew, Yiddish– Halachic Advisor:  HaRav Chaim Sholom Deitsch, shlita. (02) 627-1534; (0547)-651288, 38 Misgavladach, Old City, JM.

 

 

 

 

 


Posted in Ask Dr. Yosef, Beshalach #333 | No Comments »

Ask Dr. Yosef – Bo

Sunday, January 22nd, 2012

Question:   I am a 35 year old man and have been religious for about 11 years. I’ve been going out on shidduchim now for about six years. Usually, I know

in the first moment of the date whether or not I will be interested in the woman. Two weeks ago I met a woman and as soon as we sat down I knew I wasn’t interested. But after about 15 minutes I found myself really enjoying our conversation. We’ve now gone out four times and I always enjoy our conversation. We also have similar goals, aspirations and views on life.  However, I don’t really feel any excitement or attraction.  I enjoy our time together but it’s not that I long to be with her or really miss her when we are apart.  I feel friendship towards her but not more than that and I can’t really picture us being married. I am thinking of stopping the shidduch, but before doing so a friend said I should run the situation by you and see what you think.

 

Dr. Yosef replies:  Thanks you for this very interesting letter which, I think, reflects the feelings of many people going out on shidduchim.  Let me summarize some of the information and then, with a prayer to Hashem to help me find the right words, try to be helpful to you.  You are still young, but time is passing.  First, I assume she is also observant in so far as Torah and mitzvos is concerned. The problem is you don’t feel any “zing”; no strong cardiac palpitations.  It’s not like what the romantic movies have led you to expect. As a result, you are considering “stopping the shidduch,” but you’re making a kind of last ditch effort to see if you can be convinced otherwise.  So let’s face facts: you’ve been going on shidduchim for six years – conservatively, at the rate of two dates a month, you have had dates with perhaps 150 women, maybe more maybe less. You’ve been wasting your time and the time of your date, in addition to the multiple rejections you handed out. You sound frightened/terrified of making a commitment, so after a minute into a date, when you compose the rejection in your head, you relax, spend an hour together and you’re still a free man. I think you need some help to understand what marriage and family is all about,

how giving to another person leads to great simcha (joy) and how your life can be so much more meaningful if you deal with your ego.  After 11 years as a religious man, it’s time to recognize that G-d knows what we need and he enjoins us to cleave until a wife and become as one flesh. If that idea frightens you, please get help so that you can realize your

enormous potential. Dr. Yosef Halbfinger – Personal, Marriage

(Sholom Bayis) & Family Issues–English, Hebrew, Yiddish– Halachic

Advisor: HaRav Chaim Sholom Deitsch, shlita. (02) 627-1534; (0547)-651288, 38 Misgavladach, Old City, JM.


Posted in Ask Dr. Yosef, Bo #332 | No Comments »

« Older Entries