Question: When it comes to Shabbos guests my wife always has the last word. Some guests I suggest she won’t want to have and some she will. If I want to have a guest and she doesn’t, then that guest can’t come. However, if she wants to have a guest and I don’t; usually we will end up having the guest because she wants to. It seems a bit unfair to me, but since it keeps peace in the home, I go along with it. Do you think this is healthy for our relationship, or maybe it would be better if she would be a bit more accommodating to what I want?
Dr. Yosef replies: This letter reminded me of a conversation I had some years ago with a friend, Izzy L. from Worcester, MA. He told me he never argued with his wife. I asked him how come. His answer was that in 63 years of marriage he had never won an argument with her. So I applaud your efforts to keep peace in the home, especially since your wife probably does most of the work of preparing the Shabbos meals. The subject of hachnosat orchim does seem to arouse strong feeling; criticism is often expressed about inconsiderate guests who show up late or dominate the conversation and hosts who are insensitive to the needs of their guests. Guests run the gamut, from those who appear famished and gluttonous, to those on special diets and can’t eat most of the things the hosts have prepared. Some want to talk about sports or business while others would like to deliver a boring dvar Torah for a half hour or more. Hachnosat orchim is a great mitzvah, as the commentaries describe how Avraham Avinu stopped his conversation with G-d in order to see to the three angels who came in the guise of wayfarers. It seems, further, that inviting guests who are unpopular, unattractive or even irritating can be a higher level of mitzvah. A good example of this is the mother of Rav Zusha who took care of a guest who was covered with scabs and presented a revolting appearance. She was rewarded by becoming the mother of two luminaries in Chassidus: Rav Zusha and Rav Elimelech. So, to your question – what kind of guests do you prefer and what is your wife’s preference; and of course, what kind of guests would you want to reject? Perhaps after reading the above, both of you might be willing to broaden your categories. Then you can end up accommodating each other as you accommodate a wider range of guests. Dr. Yosef Halbfinger – Personal, Marriage (Sholom Bayis) & Family Issues–English, Hebrew, Yiddish– Halachic Advisor: HaRav Chaim Sholom Deitsch, shlita. (02) 627-1534; (0547)-651288, 38 Misgavladach, Old City, JM.
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