Question: I am a man of 63 years old and became religious about eight years ago. I have never had children and I would like to get married and start a family. However, the matchmakers tend to set me up with women who are often past the usual childbearing age. I am hoping you have some advice for me as to how I can not only get married but also start a family.
Dr. Yosef replies: These are the thoughts your question aroused, including some advice about how you can start a family.
- Why did you wait so long?
- The usual child bearing age is from teen age to about early 40s (and of course there are exceptions, B”H, where women over 40 conceive and give birth to healthy children) but on the average you are looking for someone at least 20 years younger than you.
- Ask your matchmakers to connect you with women who are desperate. (This is if you have a decent parnosso.)
- If you don’t have parnosso, look for a woman who is really desperate.
But seriously, why did you wait so long. Were you previously married? Have you had many shidduchim which did not work out? I think you need to have a medical examination to determine if you are capable of having children; if the exam is positive you can pass that information along to the shaddchan. Have you considered marrying a woman who has young children from a previous marriage – either a widow or a divorcee. It would be a great mitzvah to raise those children – granted it’s not the same as being the biological father, but it can be an even greater and more meaningful event. In general, the Rebbe’s view of significant disparities in age is “there should not be too great a difference in age between husband and wife” and further “I would suggest inquiries by made to find out why he did not marry before”; this last to a woman who wrote to the Rebbe about a potential shudduch with a 35 year old man. And to another question where the man was more than 40 – “the age difference is too great.” (see the volume Eternal Joy – Vol. 1, Shidduchim, by Rabbi Sholom B. Wineberg; based on teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Published by Sichos in English 2000.) Recognize that ultimately, there is a shidduch for everyone. Actively seek and, with G-d’s help, you will find. May Hashem bless you.
Dr. Yosef Halbfinger – Personal, Marriage (Sholom Bayis) & Family Issues–English, Hebrew, Yiddish– Halachic Advisor: HaRav Chaim Sholom Deitsch, shlita. (02) 627-1534; (0547)-651288, 38 Misgavladach, Old City, JM.
The Shulchan Aruch in hilchos Eshus rules that initially one does not suggest a match if there are large age differences, however if he wants and she wants than it is mutar. In the infrequent cases where it does occur one hears words like, “I never loved a person like I loved this one”. On the money side there is a sugar daddy with a girl who is flattered she is worth so much. The biological clock can make a woman in her 30’s in desperate search of a sperm donor. For older men there can be a yearning for lost love and the sparkle of youthful beauty, but a second spring is rare.