Question:

Dear Dr. Yosef maybe you can give me some advice? I have a teenaged daughter. I really do not know why G-d made such a thing. They are so self centered that they are difficult to talk to. Then when they hit the age of being aware of BOYS! they become immensely stupid and are willing to do ANYTHING to draw attention to themselves. My daughter suggests a tee shirt for me that says “Everyone is entitled to my opinion” I think she is right (that everyone is entitled to my opinion) and I think she needs a shirt that says “It’s all about me!” Maybe you can shed some light on how to get through these difficult years. Personally, I think that they should all be shipped off to some desert island until they grow up (which I heard can take some twenty years.) Thank you,

(Name withheld to protect me from my daughter’s wrath)

Dr. Yosef replies:
Dear Fearful of Daughter’s Wrath,
I can certainly relate to the situation you describe. The best I can do is offer some words of consolation plus some ideas about teenagers which you probably know. Even so, I think they bear repeating. A teenager is no longer a child, yet not fully an adult. He’s in a murky situation where the rules and expectations are not always clear and his identity as an adult has not yet been established. That’s why parents report that their teenage children are so different from one day to the next. Yesterday they were sweet and cuddly, today it’s “You can’t tell me what to do!” The peer group becomes the most important thing in their lives since this alleviates some of the anxiety about confronting the adult world and becoming independent. Only “nerds” have the courage to be really independent – that’s why they have to be derided. Eventually, most teenagers are brought kicking and screaming into adulthood. This sometimes lasts into the 20′s. If parents can reinforce each other and accept their teenager without too much judging and preaching, a much better relationship awaits. Your situation really doesn’t sound too bad; you have a relationship with your daughter (at least you talk to each other) and you can joke about it (I think).

Remember that problems shared are a partial consolation and most parents of teenagers suffer through this period along with their children. I recommend you buy 2 T-Shirts – one for you and one for her – to say “this too shall pass”.

Dr. Yosef Halbfinger – Personal, Marriage (Sholom Bayis) & Family Issues–English, Hebrew, Yiddish– Halachic Advisor: HaRav Chaim Sholom Deitsch, shlita. (02) 627-1534; (0547)-651288–38 Misgavladach, Old City, JM..

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